Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of... Jesus Christ, they come. -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
I think it was a week or two(?) Take care of you and Tyler so you can be well rested parents. This is an extremely stressful time for you two--make sure you take some time for yourselves.
We have a fourteen year old daughter so we took short excursions, but it was well past six months before he ever spent a night without us! It should be someone close to your family, preferably another relative.
Our social worker recommended that we not leave our newly adopted toddler with anyone for at least 6 months. After about 3 months, we thought it would be nice to put him to bed and then go out while he was asleep. We were sure we were brilliant. Of course, that was the one night he got up to pee at 10 pm. He didn't find us home and FREAKED out when he saw the lady he knew only from church and social functions. SUPER BAD IDEA! She called us and we were home in 10 minutes. But, he was really angry at us and we lost alot of ground in the attachment area. We diligently waited 5 more months and then explained to him for days what was going to happen. He still had issues after the experience and so we just stopped going out until about a year after we got home. Now, 2 years later we do go out and have no problems. Our son if fully adjusted and attached.
I think we were home about 4 months before a sitter and then it was only because we had no choice. I would try for six months if you can and make it someone the kids know if possible. I know you probably need a night out but do it with a friend for now and leave the kids with their dad.
You also had previously posted about church too. Honestly I would forgo church for the two new guys for a few months as well. They don't understand, there's too many people, it's long, I have a long list of why it's not such a good idea. You and your husband take turns going each week or go to different services. Whatever you need to do, I think right now you need to keep their world small. Remember they had most likely never left the orphanage before they left it with you. Three hours of church is probably torture of overwhelming senses for them, music, new people etc.
It was a VERY long time. It was at least 5 or 6 months. Even now after 18 months we don't get out very often by ourselves because our little one just can't handle it. It stirs up every single abandonment issue he's ever had. He's getting a LOT better than he was a year ago, so we're trying to get out a little more often now (maybe once a month), but he still gets extremely anxious and we do still get "punished" for it for the next day or two afterwards with his totally off the wall, hyper and hyper-vigilant, and otherwise completely unpredictable behavior.
As for church, I totally get the need to go, and the reasons why you go, so I won't be telling you to stay home. However, when you go, don't pass the kids around, do sit in the back and duck out the side doors when it's over, don't let the ward oogle and ahhgle over your kids or get in their faces and introduce themselves, and DON'T ever leave the kids alone in Primary at least for a few months. Either you or Tyler need to be with them the entire time. Shucks - you might even consider volunteering to teach their class. :-) And then when church is over, expect a very hectic and harry afternoon with balistic, overstimulated, and off the wall children.
For a very long time, church was our one and only family outing. I didn't take them anywhere else, none of us were involved in ANYTHING extra-curricular (including ward choir), we didn't take the kids to the store unless we absolutely HAD to - either the hubs went or I went while he was home with the kids. We still haven't resumed very many of our once loved extra curricular activities. I even went on VT hiatus for well over a year and just barely got back into it a couple of months ago on the condition that I only have ONE person...and sometimes I'm overwhelmed even with that - and both she and my comp only live about 2 blocks from me.
Babysitter? Date? Maybe someday... Seriously, take time for yourselves as soon as you need it. A break away really helps a lot! We each take "alone" time also.
We have only once left the boys with someone else to put them to bed (my mom) and it was a disaster. We've gone out a couple of times after they were already in bed and haven't had any problems with that. But it was a LONG time before we even did that, since we wanted to be sure they wouldn't wake up. The first several months home Dima was a very light sleeper and would startle awake and be terrified. He sleeps like a normal kid now--like a log. ;)
8 comments:
I think it was a week or two(?) Take care of you and Tyler so you can be well rested parents. This is an extremely stressful time for you two--make sure you take some time for yourselves.
We have a fourteen year old daughter so we took short excursions, but it was well past six months before he ever spent a night without us! It should be someone close to your family, preferably another relative.
You guys really deserve a break. It is so hard because they are still adjusting to a totally new situation too. Wish I could watch them for you.
Our social worker recommended that we not leave our newly adopted toddler with anyone for at least 6 months. After about 3 months, we thought it would be nice to put him to bed and then go out while he was asleep. We were sure we were brilliant. Of course, that was the one night he got up to pee at 10 pm. He didn't find us home and FREAKED out when he saw the lady he knew only from church and social functions. SUPER BAD IDEA! She called us and we were home in 10 minutes. But, he was really angry at us and we lost alot of ground in the attachment area. We diligently waited 5 more months and then explained to him for days what was going to happen. He still had issues after the experience and so we just stopped going out until about a year after we got home. Now, 2 years later we do go out and have no problems. Our son if fully adjusted and attached.
I think we were home about 4 months before a sitter and then it was only because we had no choice. I would try for six months if you can and make it someone the kids know if possible. I know you probably need a night out but do it with a friend for now and leave the kids with their dad.
You also had previously posted about church too. Honestly I would forgo church for the two new guys for a few months as well. They don't understand, there's too many people, it's long, I have a long list of why it's not such a good idea. You and your husband take turns going each week or go to different services. Whatever you need to do, I think right now you need to keep their world small. Remember they had most likely never left the orphanage before they left it with you. Three hours of church is probably torture of overwhelming senses for them, music, new people etc.
It was a VERY long time. It was at least 5 or 6 months. Even now after 18 months we don't get out very often by ourselves because our little one just can't handle it. It stirs up every single abandonment issue he's ever had. He's getting a LOT better than he was a year ago, so we're trying to get out a little more often now (maybe once a month), but he still gets extremely anxious and we do still get "punished" for it for the next day or two afterwards with his totally off the wall, hyper and hyper-vigilant, and otherwise completely unpredictable behavior.
As for church, I totally get the need to go, and the reasons why you go, so I won't be telling you to stay home. However, when you go, don't pass the kids around, do sit in the back and duck out the side doors when it's over, don't let the ward oogle and ahhgle over your kids or get in their faces and introduce themselves, and DON'T ever leave the kids alone in Primary at least for a few months. Either you or Tyler need to be with them the entire time. Shucks - you might even consider volunteering to teach their class. :-) And then when church is over, expect a very hectic and harry afternoon with balistic, overstimulated, and off the wall children.
For a very long time, church was our one and only family outing. I didn't take them anywhere else, none of us were involved in ANYTHING extra-curricular (including ward choir), we didn't take the kids to the store unless we absolutely HAD to - either the hubs went or I went while he was home with the kids. We still haven't resumed very many of our once loved extra curricular activities. I even went on VT hiatus for well over a year and just barely got back into it a couple of months ago on the condition that I only have ONE person...and sometimes I'm overwhelmed even with that - and both she and my comp only live about 2 blocks from me.
Babysitter? Date? Maybe someday... Seriously, take time for yourselves as soon as you need it. A break away really helps a lot! We each take "alone" time also.
We have only once left the boys with someone else to put them to bed (my mom) and it was a disaster. We've gone out a couple of times after they were already in bed and haven't had any problems with that. But it was a LONG time before we even did that, since we wanted to be sure they wouldn't wake up. The first several months home Dima was a very light sleeper and would startle awake and be terrified. He sleeps like a normal kid now--like a log. ;)
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