Help outfit Michael, Sarah, and John

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Time away

We left Keith & Kristina with a babysitter this past week. I am pleased to say that it went really well! Tyler & I went to the Temple. We left at 5:30pm and our fabulous friend, Valene, watched them until she put them to bed at 7pm. She said it went really well. The kids woke up the next morning and were happy as little clams. I am encouraged by this! Not to get too excited by this past success, but there is a possible trip for my husband to Key West, FL, in April. It would be 3 days there. Part of me says it's too early since we adopted the twins to leave them for more than a couple of hours, but another part of me says that with all the stress of the past few months - Tyler & I could use some one-on-one time. I recognize that we will make our own decision ultimately, but I would like to hear your thoughts. So, speak up!

10 comments:

Melisa said...

I'd probably work up to it a bit. An over night trip here and there to get the used to it first.

Melisa said...

Florida? Sweeeeeet! How long are you "supposed" to wait?

Saquel25 said...

That's a hard one. With Keith having some attachment issues you'll have to take it step by step. Of course, you and Tyler are the reason your family is, so I would take time to nurture your relationship.

Shea said...

I would take he opportunity. Good luck whatever you decide.

Sarah C said...

I am glad they are adjusting so well. They did great with the babysitter when you went to the temple. I am sure they would do fine if you went on vacation. I would have the person who will be staying with them while you are out of town babysit them several times between now and then so they are very comfortable with the babysitter and the babysitter in comfortable with the children. You and Tyler would have a great time together.

nicole said...

I would also take the opportunity. It's so healthy for you go have some closeness as a couple, and to remember what life was like before kids! It seems to me that since they did so well with the sitter the other night, they would be able to adjust to your three day trip. Plus, it will give you something to look forward to during those tough moments with the kids. How exciting for you guys!

Diana said...

Glad you were finally able to get in a good "battery recharge" session. There's no better place than the temple for that. Take advantage of that one at least once a month if you can!

As for Florida, however, please be extremely cautious in accepting advice on this matter from those who are not actively parenting attachment challenged kids. It is a life they can't imagine - and nor can they phathom the consqences of doing something like this (which to them seems completely logical, harmless, and even beneficial.)

Because of the tremendous progress we're seeing with our kids in the attachment department, we are finally able to leave them for 3-4 hours without being "punished." But they are definately ready for us to come home by then. We also never let anyone else put them to bed. Part of that is that we don't have anyone (like family) we're super close to living in close enough proximity to us to make it work. But a bigger part of that is that bedtime is such a huge part of our attachment work that it isn't something we can safely allow anyone else to do yet.

But even now, dreamy and tempting as it sounds to my very tired (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) side, as well as my selfish streak, a 3 day long vacation away from the kids is absolutely out of the question. It's not even something that would be open for consideration.

I guarantee, it would be absolutely disasterous for my kids!! They have no concept of time, so going even 1 day without Mama as their primary caregiver would cause significant regression. 3 days would cause every single abandonment issue they've ever had to resurface and solidify. It would honestly and truthfully set them back YEARS in their attachment process. It's just not worth the price we'd pay for it.

As one who's BTDT in so many ways, my advise is to listen to that part of you that says it's way too early. Afterall, they've only been home 3 months. That's not even long enough in most cases for the honeymoon to be over. Where they've both shown strong warning signs of having attachment issues in the past, I can promise you that even with the significant and very real progress they are currently making (progress that shows, too) their attachment now is only insecure at best. I wouldn't take the risk of undoing it.

Personally, I would wait until they can handle a full day's worth of highly stimulating activities such as church or school or shopping or whatever life dishes out without melting down (and/or losing it the next day) before even considering an overnighter. Make sure they also exhibit some strong coping and self-soothing abilities before you do this, too. Otherwise you'll kill off the people who are caring for them! :-) Once they've successfully weathered a few overnighters, then and only then would I consider a multi-day away vacation.

Yup - it will probably still be a couple more years before something like that is even up for consideration for us. It's a long, hard road, but it's worth it!

MoonDog said...

I vote no. Its too soon. they are still learning that you are permanent. 3 days in adult time isnt very long but to a kid, especially a kid who doesnt clearly and fully understand the language its an eternity!! I know its hard to be with them and be "on" all the time. hang in there. all your hard work will pay off in time. good luck whatever you decide.

Ticklemedana said...

as for advice, I have none...other than this:

Key west is awesome! but..bear this in mind: while there are alot of free things to do that place is RIDICULOUSLY expensive...seriously..I'm sure Tyler's job will give him perdiem and whatnot but be forewarned how expensive the place is...food and everything else...but the beach is amazing and the drive down there from miami (where I assume you'll fly into????) is neat...if you decide to go, it's a great place to visit! my friends and I stayed in the radisson and it was amamzing...course, we only had to pay room taxes that amounted to about $3 per person and there were 4 of us...but, amazing nonetheless...

You Are Mine...an adoption journey! said...

I totally believe in "getting away", but I also know that spending time away doesn't have to mean 3 days. I would think that if you take a few hours to go to dinner together and get a babysitter, or even take in a movie that would be a healthier situation for everyone involved. You could also plan an "all day-time" vacation. Probably checking into a hotel with a hot-tub in the room, order room service, get a massage! If you have worked up to having a baby sister that they have bonded with then being gone for an all day outing shouldn't be a problem and then you can still return before their bedtime. You would still get the benefit of "being together" as a couple. I would think that several 1 day adventures throughout the year would keep you refreshed and your marriage healthy. Vacationing is a temptation, but maybe it is a temptation that would be more harmful than good?!?