Help outfit Michael, Sarah, and John

Saturday, May 15, 2010

It still hurts

It hurts that I can't become pregnant. It's going on almost 8 years that we've been ttc (trying to conceive) - that is a LONG time, people. I feel blessed to have Anna and my twins, but my heart still aches to have a baby. This month I was hopeful - as many months in the past - but it wasn't meant to be, another negative test. Sometimes I think I just need to feel the emotions and not approach this topic intellectually. Some internet hugs would help, I think.

12 comments:

Diana said...

Three cheers for Jill for acknowledging and being honest about a topic so many of us have silently struggled with! With that comes BIG hugs and a BIG shoulder to cry on from one who's BTDT and knows how much it hurts. :*( It was 8 years for me before I was finally able to let it really go, too.

You are ABSOLUTELY right, though. This is an emotional experience, not a cognitive one. Allowing yourself to grieve the loss is one of the best gifts you'll ever give yourself. It is also one of the hardest losses to grieve, too. You'll likely find it gets mixed up with all the other stuff you've experienced in life as well. So, don't be surprised as you start that you don't know where to stop. So don't! Let it out and give it a voice.

My RAD mommy pal Jennie wrote this blog post http://threesmithkids.blogspot.com/2010/05/sissy-in-her-newly-acquired-goggles.html
about her battle with her unprocessed grief surounding infertility on Mother's Day. There's a lot of really supportive comments on there, too.

Have you been able to find a good counselor out there yet? It's a good place to start. It took me a long time to realize that what I had to deal with had become to big for me to do on my own. I was stuck and there was an emotional tsunami threatening to destroy my soul behind the walls I'd built. I didn't know how to safely relieve the pressure or get out of the pit of depression I was in on my own, though. I'm SOOOO grateful I finally got help.

I'll share a secret with you, too. It's one I had to really wrestle with myself (and I was pretty darn stubborn about, too) so it's ok if you don't believe me right off. The secret, though, is that as you work through this issue and whatever else is unleashed in the process as well, (and by that I mean going through all 7 steps of the grievning process and honestly completing them), you will start to see significant headway being made in the other battle you're dealing with. All this unprocessed grief is very likely a big roadblock to progress in the other department. Seriously...and it has to do with cortisol.

MoserUpdates said...

Ah, I feel your pain. Every time someone announces a pregnancy it all comes rushing back. We started in 2005 ttc and found out we have no chance of having a baby biologically. I've been told the pain never goes completely away. But I admire you for being so transparent...that's a great sign. BIG HUG!

Alabama Apples said...

{{HUGS}} Lots and lots of {{HUGS}}

Zactly said...

Oh Jill,
I could hear your pain coming through as I read your post. I am so sorry for your struggles/trials.((( Hugs to you))).
Vickie

Sylvia said...

(((((hugs)))))

Kirsti said...

Love you, Jill...huge hugs for you. Miss you and admire you for all you do. :)

Courtney said...

(((HUGS))) :) :)

Carina said...

Big hugs coming your way! Know that you're in our thoughts and prayers, and the Lord is mindful of you and loves you infinitely more than everyone else in the world (i.e., a LOT LOT LOT) =)

Mary said...

Big, big hugs! The roller coaster ride of emotions must be incredibly difficult to experience. Fertility issues are an incredibly painful and emotionally charged topic, and yet nobody seems to talk about it! Go ahead and feel those emotions - it's the best way to grieve and come to terms with it. Just know that you are a wonderful person who is loved by many, many friends and family members.

Brianne said...

BIG HUG! I am so sorry =( Just remember that the Lord is looking out for you and He will take care of you and yours.

Sarah C said...

I am so sorry Jill. I hope everything works out for you and your family. HUGS!

Maria said...

It is really late in coming but
{{{HUGS}}}}