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Monday, April 16, 2012

Why me?

I own this t-shirt of Eeyore and below him it says, "Why me?" I actually wore this shirt today and when you hear about my day, you'll know why. It all began with me going in to have two more moles removed, plus removing the stitches from the previous removals (I have had 4 removed total). It was not pleasant. This on top of my still recovering from pink eye - I was exhausted and it was only 11am. I ate lunch with Tyler, Calvin, and Silas. I put Silas down for his nap after Tyler left to return to work. Before Silas went to sleep, I noticed that his ear was draining a clear yellowish liquid. I called in to the nurse and they said they'd call me back. Fast forward 45 minutes after Silas went down for his nap: the school called and said that Anna was sick and that I should come pick her up. So I had to wake Silas up and take the boys to pick up Anna. I came home and put Silas back in bed, wishfully thinking that he would return to sleep, since he'd only had 45 minutes of a nap when he normally sleeps for 2 1/2 hours. He wasn't upset about being back in his bed. In fact, he is a great sleeper - never fusses but asks for some jeans to snuggle and he's just fine. After getting Anna into bed to read and relax, the nurse called. She said I needed to bring Silas in to be seen, just in case his eardrum had burst and they just wanted to make sure he was okay. Out of bed Silas came and off we went to the clinic. Did I mention that I am still sick and was hoping for a nap sometime during Silas' naptime?! The nurse said his eardrum was completely fine, no problems at all. That didn't explain why his ear was draining, but I needed to get back home for the bus so I didn't argue. The twins came home. I was waiting for Dr Ramos to call me back with information on the boys - don't worry, I'll write about it more in this post - and was praying that I could be patient with the children, when all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock. Silas was completely out of control and SUPER whiny, fussy, insert-your-own-adjective-here. He flipped between laughing to crying. It was an emotional roller coaster for me, and I was ready to get off that ride. By the time Tyler got home, I was on the verge of tears. He said that he would take over and he sort of did, but then soon after he was overwhelmed - which is easy to be. I am now motivated to never, ever let Silas miss his nap again. E V E R!

If you know me, I like to lay things out as I see them - not holding back. Believe me when I say that having 5 kids is TOUGH. I am not coming off conqueror, people! I am dragging throughout the day, flitting from one child to the next child and thinking about how I need to include another child or remembering that I need to fit a foot x-ray in sometime this week (somehow sans children) or realizing that I haven't cleaned my toilets since I've been home from Russia (almost 2 1/2 weeks now) and wondering why I made this recipe for dinner when all I want is some major comfort food, etc. I know that this is the adjustment period and that it will get better - because it DID get better after we adopted the twins. I know that this will get better. It's just not better yet and my sores on my leg and back hurt from the moles being shaved, my eyes ache, my foot hurts (hence the x-ray and podiatrist appt this week), I'm running on low energy because I'm on the go constantly, and perhaps the question, "Why me?" sounds about right. Right?

Well...even in the midst of trials, I, too, am an eternal optimist and "Why me?" can go in another direction. Why am I blessed to be married to the most wonderful companion? Tyler loves me unconditionally. He really does. He loves me when I'm not wearing makeup - can't with pink eye. He loves me when I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed and tries to make it better. He brushes the teeth of all five of our children every night - it takes over 20 minutes to floss, brush, and use mouthwash. He rolls up his sleeves and does dishes. He takes out the trash. He starts the laundry. These are just some of the reasons why he is the most wonderful companion. And I wonder what I did to deserve such a man as this? Why me? I was able to conceive and carry full term my lovely daughter, Anna. And after struggling with infertility for almost 9 years, God blessed me to be able to adopt 4 more children. Why would He bless me with such sweet spirits? When I fail to be patient on a daily basis and when I yell when I should comfort and when I don't respond as fast as I should because I am exhausted, why me? Why does He trust me with His children? It just goes to show me that He trusts in me and what I can do. I know that I doubt myself - and right now it's a daily occurrence - but God doesn't doubt my potential as their mother. And that, my friends, is a profound and encouraging thought.

As per Dr Ramos' phone call - Calvin will have a cardiac catheter. He will be in the hospital for 24 hours. The results will tell us how to proceed. Silas will have surgery in "early summer" and will be in the hospital 7-10 days. When I know more, I will share.

8 comments:

nicole said...

Love you Jill. Yes, raising 5 young kids is HARD. Sooo much harder than I ever imagined. And we don't even have any with special needs, so I can't imagine the adjustment you're going through. You're amazing.

Courtney said...

I'm with you. Some days just STINK. Those are the days I am counting down the hours until bedtime! :)

Sarah C said...

You are a great mom! I am really sorry today was a day full of trials. We are praying for you and your family. HUGS!

Trent and Meg said...

Hugs to you friend--what a rough day. Today can only get better too. Life will calm down sometime soon...either that, or Heavenly Father will bless you and Tyler with the strength, energy, and love to work through this. I know that is easier said than seen...but I know He is there and will help. You are an amazing person--both you and Tyler, and those little ones are so blessed to have you. Hugs to you!!! :D

Carina said...

Hugs to you, my dear cousin. I am grateful that you have the support of your husband and a testimony of the goodness of our God. He is watching over you and will help you in caring for these five wonderful children of His. Love you!

Sharla said...

Wow! I feel exhausted just reading about your day! The transition time is tough even when not dealing with all the other stuff on top of that - hang in there! It will get easier.

Thanks for joining A Real Adoption Blog Hop!

Hevel Cohen said...

Just a talk from my youth:
http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1997.htm/ensign%20november%201997.htm/apply%20the%20atoning%20blood%20of%20christ.htm

Every single time I asked why me, my bishop made me give a talk based on this talk.

Yes, I am no longer a member of the LDS church, and yes, I think my bishop was abusive, but the talk is good if you believe what the Church teaches. It's by Neal A. Maxwell from October 1997.

Darting Family said...

You are a saint and Heavenly Father has a lot of faith in you raising his children. You have the heart to pull through this. I love how you see the glass as half full when sometimes it only has a few drops. I'm inspired to me a better person, mother, and wife every time I talk to you or read your wonderful life stories. Keep your head up and drink some Dr Pepper for me :-) Love ya!