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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Up & Down

So today Anna wanted pancakes for breakfast--which we had. They're easy to make and I really like this new honey-butter syrup that I make. YUM!

CONTINUATION OF FEMALE TALK: I was supposed to begin taking clomid today, (for those of you who don't know about this--see previous posting) but I was uncertain because my period hadn't really come. I called the nurse and she said to come in for a blood pregnany test so we could be sure. I went in and the nurse who took my blood was such a serious guy who looked about 17 years old. I asked him if he'd ever drawn blood before, and he confidently responded how he'd done it for the past year. That wasn't impressive to me and I have very deep veins, so naturally I was concerned about this high-school kid drawing my blood. And wouldn't you know it--he missed the vein...and tried to redirect it...two or three times...need I say more? He ended up using a butterfly needle on a different vein and I was glad to get out of there! So I called the nurse, like she asked me to do, and left a message saying that I had done the lab work and I would be waiting for my results in a hour--how long she said it would take. Well, then I headed off to the family history library, having my phone very accessible on the table as I did some research. My phone never rang. At 4:45pm, I was becoming anxious to hear the results--with some hope that it could be positive, however, if it was negative I needed to take the clomid. Are you following all this? Well, I never heard back from her, and as I was packing up I headed to the bathroom where I discovered "Aunt Flo" had paid me a visit. So, it turns out that I didn't even need to hear back from the nurse. Once I got in the car I took the clomid and drove to hobby lobby. On the way there I was so emotional...I think I need to spend some "Jill time" very soon...that should help. I appreciate the advice about taking time for myself and not worrying too much about having more children. But, without hurting any feelings, I have wanted more children for 4 years now. If you haven't had infertility problems, then you really don't understand what it's like to try month after month after month and see only negative pregnancy tests over & over & over...it's been a huge struggle for me, and I can now relate to those millions of women who have been through infertility, I pray that we will have another child soon. Thank you all for your positive encouragement, it really does help. :)

So my moods have been up & down today. It could be because we're not pregnant this month, because I'm not on my diet/exercise program faithfully, because I've been sick for over a week now,...because I'm a woman??? ha ha ha. That's probably it!

My wonderful grandma in OK mailed us our Christmas gifts and of course I already opened mine. ANY GUESSES???? It is a photo printer---just what I wanted!!! I am so excited about being able to print real pictures...Also good news, we have decided to upgrade to high-speed internet, so I should be able to post some pictures soon...my dial-up makes it impossible to do so right now.

We had the Christmas Cantata rehearsal tonight, I didn't sing everything--trying to rest my voice for the real performance tomorrow. I know the music, so I don't really NEED the practice--I just come to support the choir director who is 5 months pregnant! I also practiced singing "Sleep, Little Lamb," with a tenor here in my ward. It made me miss singing it with KC-because you know how I sing and you can match it so well, plus I wish that Maria was here to play the violin, wow, we sure had it good in OK in regards to music, didn't we? Now I'm having to start all over here in OH...this guy, Drew, is quite nervous, however I am certain he'll do fine. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the compliment. I miss singing with you too, especially this time of year.

Guess what? I don't get to spend Christmas with my family again this year, for the third year in a row. Stupid football team being bowl eligible and univ. admin. for making athletics take the marching band... But my consolation prize is that I'm going to fly to Oklahoma on New Year's Day and spend 2 weeks away from Reno. Of course, I have to pay for it. And I think I am moving before the end of the month. I found a place that I really like, that's less money than I'm paying now, and a 5 minute walk to campus, so less driving for me. I just want to check out 2 more places...just to make sure.

Jill, it sounds like you have some depression about not having more children. Please talk to someone. It reminds me of how every month in Stillwater I would hope to find some friends, or feel that it was going to be OK for me to choose a career that most good Mormons think is a major problem or mistake. That encouraged the depression which was just under the surface. I put on a brave face for so long, but it was just a mask. It wasn't really until I moved here to Reno that I felt really happy to be myself and comfortable with my choice of music. It began in Oklahoma last year but really grew here.

I know you won't stop worrying about having more children, but please let go of the other stressors in your life. And do take some "Jill time." And I think that my being single for so long could be smilar to your current sadness. Is something wrong with me? Am I simply incapable of marriage? When is it my turn? Will happen soon enough so that could even still have children. At least you've found someone, and you have a child. All I have is my music, and while it is fulfilling, it's not completely fulfilling. Perhaps the difference now is that I'm not going to church. Not regularly, at least. But I really can't stand to go be around people who can't even for one moment open their priggish little minds and not pass judgment on me for my flaws, perceived or real. YSA's in Stillwater. I'm not sure they have any idea of the pain they've caused. And I'm afraid of giving people here a chance...I can't take anymore of the hurt, so I choose not to. Please forgive me. I don't allow myself to go to this place any more. I like my life. I know that my consequences are the results of my choices now. And I choose what I do for my reasons. The point is not to feel sorry for myself, or to make you feel sorry for me, but so that you know that even if I don't know the exact pain that you bear, you can know that I know the depth of my pain. And while you've longed for children for 4 years, I've longed for a companion for 7, and even longer if you count friendship companions. You and Maria are the first friends that I could really open up to since high school, and there are really only 2 or 3 more period. And now I'm not near any of you. I feel lonliness if I allow myself to dwell on it. Lonliness that brings tears if I allow them to come. Do you know that lonliness? I think you probably did before you started dating Tyler. Do you know that ache in your heart? That's my constant companion. I have no one the way that you have Tyler and Anna. I take it back...I have Lois, my bassoon. Is that the same? Please know that when you hurt, I hurt with you and for you too. And I understand pain more deeply than I ever planned to. More deeply than I care to recognize. Remember, it matters not what you have or haven't, it only matters what you do with what you're given (adapted from the Fellowship of the Ring). Do what you have to do to get to where you want to be, as long as it's not immoral. Know that I care about you and your family, and that I wish you every happiness. Now, you go be greatful for your family, and I'll go be greatful for my bassoon, and saxophone, and recorder...my family. Talk to you soon.

KC