Help outfit Michael, Sarah, and John

Friday, January 19, 2007

Ignoring Myself

I normally don't post in the middle of the day, but as I was responding to an email from Suzanne, I realized that I wanted to remember what I wrote, so I am going to post some of that in this blog. It is highly personal and very honest-please respect the privacy of what I am writing. Thanks.

I'm not doing very well to be honest. For as long as I can remember, I have ignored myself. I have tried to focus on those around me and serve them in any way that I could-at my expense and hence ignoring myself in almost every way. Now I look at myself-over 300 pounds-and I wonder what happened to me? I'm trying to understand myself and to figure out what I want for me and what would make me happy. Does that make sense? I am reading a book that is entitled OWN YOUR OWN BODY. It talks about how mental stress can cause physical ailments. I feel that I am struggling in all areas-physical (weight, infertility), mental (breakdowns-nothing major-just mainly emotional/mental breakdowsn), emotional (crying often and not completely sure why), and spiritual-Satan is working hard on me in ways of my feeling guilty and that I'm the one to blame that we haven't had more kids (because I haven't lost weight). *SIGH* This is certainly a new type of trial for me, but I am hopeful and confident that I will pull through-it's just getting through it that is difficult right now.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jill-

What you discribe is very similar to how I arrived at my big depression while in Stillwater. I never quite took care of myself, and depression was the high price for it. Being aware of it and acknowledging it is the first, and possibly biggest, step in the healing process. At least you have an outspoken support group, whereas initially my group was afraid to say anything and content to just watch from a distance. That makes this time of struggle for you fundamentally different, and better I think, than mine. Be good to yourself, and call me if you need to talk.

KC

TickleMeCahokia said...

You have a personality a lot like mine: Others are your priority, including over yourself! I am constantly serving everyone else and forget my own well-being and I have a tough time just rewarding myself. Plus you have a husband and daughter that you are supposed to put first as a mother, anyway, and that doesn't help things. Even if all you do is take time to listen you your favorite CD by yourself or Read a chapter from your favorite book, once a week, you'll probably feel better, more refreshed. I love you and I know you'll pull through this trial!