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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Fears

I have fears. Do you? Currently I am experiencing some health symptoms that are quite worrisome (sp?) to me. I began to think I was having some health problems when I realized that my sweet daughter was praying daily that her Mama would feel better...hmmmm. Do I not feel well? I started paying more attention to this and guess what? I don't feel well for some portion of every day. *sigh* Today I was going to do a liver cleanse. My wise husband questioned my timing since I'm doing the insemination tomorrow. I countered that if I become pregnant then I wouldn't be able to do the liver cleanse until after the baby was born and I need a functioning liver for pregnancy...I should have listened to him. I haven't been feeling well all day and then when I went to drink my first epsom salt drink--I threw up all over the kitchen sink. (note, I didn't throw up the kitchen sink). So I abandoned the idea of the liver cleanse and ate a nice healthy sandwich, but then my tummy was upset. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever know good health again. And this brings me to my title of this post: Fears. I fear that when I become pregnant I won't be able to function and I'll gain TONS of weight because of it. I fear that my body won't be able to handle pregnancy, that it would be too taxing on my already taxed body. I fear that I'll never lose weight. I fear that when Anna grows up she will be made fun of because her Mama is so overweight. I fear not being able to achieve my potential in this mortal probation. Sometimes I just want to cry because of all the fears I have...these are my honest thoughts.

On to other thoughts, I went to meet with the nutritional counselor on-base. She gave me an 1800 calorie plan. I hope to implement this plan and keep the food journal like she suggested. I need to do better. This is the only way I'll ever lose weight--diet combined with exercise. I have the exercise habit down, I just need to confront my way of eating and be very honest with myself about it.

I went to the commissary to purchase some groceries after my visit with the counselor. I called Tyler to ask him a question and he informed me that his sister & brother-in-law won't be coming to visit us this weekend. Bummer (borrowed from Melisa's vocabulary). I was so looking forward to them coming, as was Anna & Tyler. Oh well, time passes by quickly--I'm sure we'll see you soon Tish!!!

Tyler got an email and they moved back his meeting tomorrow from 10am to 11am. That means we can collect the "sample" and then high-tail it to the hospital. Unfortunately, Tyler won't be able to be with me for the actual IUI, because of his meeting. I guess that means if we become pregnant that I can joke that Tyler wasn't even present at its conception! ha ha!

Anna swam in our pool this afternoon. It's a lovely setup. I love our backyard. I clipped coupons from the Sunday paper while Anna swam her heart out. She took a bath, ate dinner, we read 8 books together and then played 3 games before she went off to bed. I can hear her role-playing with her dolls in her room right now. Such a precious girl.

Comments, anyone? I haven't had a comment from anyone in a long time...and I have a site meter at the bottom of my blog so I know how often people look at this blog. (more often than I would have imagined) but yet, no comments. I could really use some positive, cheerful comments people.

5 comments:

Trena said...

Jill,
I too often have fears about alot of things (except at our house we just say that I worry alot). I definitely think that there are times when the Adversary uses that to his advantage and I get overwhelmed and sometimes unable to see the forest for the trees. Breathe deeply and know that eventually, it will get better (also speaking as one who used to suffer from a chronic health problem).
Good luck on your procedure tomorrow. Hopefully it will be very successful!

Anonymous said...

Jill,

I'll address your points as they come to mind.

First, anyone's opinion who is worth listening to will realize that we can't always help the way we look...weight included. What's more important, that you be a good mother, or that you look (physically) good as a mother? Ideally, you would want both, but it's more important that you be good mother. I know you're that. Address the weight issue as you're able to. You're only able to do as much as you can, and that amount fluctuates. If you could give 100% or more to everything, all the time, which I suspect you try to do, you'll be exhausted and dangerously close to losing your sanity. I was there about 2 1/2 years ago...do you remember that? My new philosophy is to give 100% of what I have to give at the moment when it's absolutely necessary. In regards to homework, sometimes 100% of the moment is only 80% of my life total potential. And if 80% is all I have, that's all I have. There's no need to worry about the rest. You (I) can't do anything to change that which would be productive, at least not without the risk of sacrificing something which is more critical. Think about it. Email me for more clarification if you'd like to.

Second, I think it would be hilarious if you get pregnant and Tyler, while making the appropriate contribution, is not actually present at the event of conception. Remember to be grateful for what you got...they moved his meeting for you. Maybe for just an hour, but that's the most critical hour. And because they moved the meeting, that means that his superior officers like and respect him enough to have considered that change in the first place. Not everyone would be willing to tolerate that request or pretend to understand. I think the two of you are lucky to have that kind of working relationship.

Third, about fears and living up to potential...we all have fears, and they change from time to time. There was a time when I was afraid to live, both figuratively and literally. Now I'm afraid of not living. Regarding not living up to your full potential, see what I said in point one. I don't believe that living up to full potential is some arbitrary number that you suddenly reach, and then you die, or that you must hit just so many times to get into heaven. Think about it. We're human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we let each other down. Sometimes we let ourselved down. Sometimes we even fail. I think we would be held accountable more harshly if we accepted failure and never tried to improve upon it. The great thing about humanity is that we have potential to grow, to improve, and to change. And that's why tomorrows exist. To be better. Besides, who are you to say exactly what your full potential is? That sounds like an all-knowing God complex, to me. YOur job is to do your best with what you're given, and also without what you're not given. And if that detail, that amount, fluctuates from day to day, praise the heavens. You're normal! That's the grand design.

We may have been given the commandment to be perfect, but that was also with the understanding that we would never reach it living in mortality. And that's OK! As long as you make an honest effort, that's all anyone can ask of you, even God. And if you feel like you didn't do as good as you could or should have, or wanted to, make the effort to try harder. The point is to be moving, preferably in the positive direction, not merely standing still. And as long as you're trying to be better, you're moving in the positive direction.

OK, that's all I can remember needing to say. I hope this is long enough for you. You're doing great. I hope things go well for you tomorrow, with the IUI, and I hope you get pregnant, but only when it's the right time for everything and everyone. Best wishes.

KC

Kathey said...

Hi Jill,

I think I have fears about posting comments. :-) I'm more likely to send you an e-mail about whatever I read on the blog. OK, so I'll try to be "brave" and post more often. I agree with Trena about breathing deeply. Taking a few minutes to just get centered and BREATHE can help things come back into perspective. I'm praying for you.

Love, Kathey

Carina said...

Jill,
I know what you mean about being afraid. I worry to no end about being healthy and making sure I do all I can to help myself, my husband, and our future children. I think that's normal, part of our mortal probation. I like what everyone has said about breathing deeply, sitting back, and just thinking about how blessed we all are. I need to do that more often. You are an amazing, beautiful, spiritual, intelligent woman, and while I know it's so hard to remember that when the self-dislike get the better of you (believe me, I know what it's like), the Lord can help. You're an example to me, did you know that? I wish you lived closer so we could get together more! We'll have to come visit sometime...or you could come to Utah...or whatever! I hope everything goes well today. You deserve it!
Love ya,
~Carina

Melisa said...

Well, I saved up about 3 weeks worth of comments for 1 email. Sorry if that overwhelmed you. I'll try to stay current now that I'm back in town.

I'm a chronic worrier. I'm surprised I don't have ulcers. Brad's always saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff" and "Don't worry about what you can't change" but I could get an award for being a worrier. I'm working on it. Somedays are better than others.

You rock and I love you. Worrying is such a bummer. ;)