Guest post by Joey

My good friend, joey, has found himself in some hilarious situations, but this one is my favorite, enjoy:

Saturday, March 03, 2007
Saturday some friends from church invited me hiking in the San Bernidino National Forest. Once there we were to hike a mile or so into the mountains and down into some natural hot springs called the Deep Creek Hot Springs.

Looks like fun.

We were to meet early in the morn and caravan out there but I had to go later as there was an audition I had in the afternoon. My friend calls and says that I may just want to stay back as the drive is taking them longer than they thought and they were going to leave earlier than they thought as well. I however, decide to press forward and go seemingly against the fates.

Mistake # 1: Always read the sides a few days before going to the audition.

The show was perverse and I didn't want the part, but since I waited to read the script I delayed going to meet everyone for nothing.

Oh well, I decided I was going to meet them even though it takes about 2 hours to get there, it was late in the afternoon, and I would only be there in the springs an hour max before sundown. I was undaunted.

The drive goes predictably. I finally get to the National Forest where I park at a ranch in the desert and commence my hike. It goes well. It was actually fun. I have a map to get to the hot springs. By this time it's close to 430, but I was determined to reach the springs thinking how manly and resourceful I'll look when I arrive. It was only supposed to be a 2mile hike which I didn't think would last that long. I however get on the 6 mile hike trail accidentally (the map the ranch gave was ambiguous but I digress). Thus the hike to the creek takes me considerably longer and up into the mountains. Ah well, I enjoyed the walk and scenery. While crossing the mountains, actually nearing the creek area, I come across a middle aged man hiking with two women and two dogs. He wore a shirt, some hiking boots, and nothing else (yes, dangling free). His dog barks, sniffs, me then goes on past me on the trail. I merely smile and nod to the nude fellow and his companions thinking 'what an odd sight to see out here'.

The path winds down to the creek area and I hear some odd music bouncing off the canyon walls, and I think to myself "Ah cool, perhaps the church group is singing some praise and worship songs or something." My path spits me out near a river, across which is the deep creek hot water springs, at last. I trudge down to the riverbed and to my surprise I find that the hot springs on the other side are entirely filled with rambunctious nudists with one singing "That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it," as loud as he possibly can.

At this point I'm dumbfounded, thinking surely my church pals are not part of this unclad rabble. I look for a path to cross to get up to the springs but there is none. Seeing some of the nudists jumping in I decide to wade through the river to the other side where the creeks were. I go down to my bathing suit (and it stayed on the whole time) and pack everything in my trusted backpack to wade through.

Mistake # 2- Laying my walking stick on the ground and not using it to measure the depth of the water.

The river is deep and a little murky so I take a step and go down about 9 feet- soaking my book bag and everything therein. Yikes. I pull it together though and swim to the rocky springs overlooking the river. The river water is shockingly cold. I climb up the rocks and into the springs area to be greeted by an array of genitals as the nude bathers go about their business. My friends are nowhere in sight. Below is a picture of the springs. Picture them filled with naked people.

Upon entering the soiree I find that the people there, about 20 in number, are not only naked but drunk. While cajoling and laughing they seem to have no idea where the main campsite for the area is. All I want to do is find the others at this point. In the picture above what you don't see is a stream going through the cliffs and leading onto the adjacent camp grounds. One particular nudists tells me

"Just wade on through son, its only five feet deep."

Mistake 3- Listening to a drunken nudist.

Again I sink in the water considerably deeper than 5 feet amidst the laughing nudists who are not only naked and drunk, but incredibly mean and unhelpful. A circle of nudists then forms around me as I flail about, and what commences is a crowd of naked people engaged in a rather inept attempt to aide me. However none of the nudist saw fit to sit down their liquor and thus their efforts bordered on the absurd. I was desperately trying to resurface and keep my backpack from completely submerging (my cell phone was in there and this would be the 4th cell phone I've lost to water damage). Now I'm a strong swimmer, I life guarded after all. However the sudden sinking coupled with the backpack above my head caught me off guard. Also while I was under water all I could think was "Sweet Lord, don't let me touch their genitals!" And yes I could see everything clearly.

I finally resurface amongst the cackling nudists whom I sick by now. I trek back through the springs, trying unsuccessfully not to slip on the mossy rocks and into the drunken naked people. I see a path around the cliff to the camp site- salvation. A series of muddy puddles were in my path. After sinking waist deep in one I manage to crawl out to the campsite to find my friends are nowhere in sight. Its getting cold. I go into the nearest hot spring to wash the mud from my lower body. Next to me is a naked teenager and his girlfriend drinking champagne ::shudder::. I emerge to find that my cell phone, by God's divine graces, is still working.

I hastily put on my jeans, the driest shirt in my book bag, and my hoodie. My socks are soaked and so are my shoes, oh well. I make my way to the campsite, still friends are not there, and decide it is time to call it quits and head in before it gets too dark. The path back up the mountain is not visible and I'm told by three clothed campers that to get back up to the path you have to forge your way back across the river, and walk up on steep trail on the mountain's side. I spy a few feasible paths over the river's rocks. Carefully I hop from rock to rock, only wetting my shoes once. I toss my beach towel ahead of me onto a rock where I'm about to jump, but I decide it is too far and thus I say goodbye to my precious towlie as I hop on another rock and then to solid ground. The campers were a bit misleading, there was not a trail up the mountain, but a steep cliff that I must forge my way up. Very well. I begin.

It gets so steep that I am eventually laying on my belly, and grabbing shrubbery and roots to keep from falling to my death. I finally reach a shrub with strong roots near the top of the cliff and pull myself to safety. I am on the path. I start heading homeward as the sun sinks lower behind the mountains. I run into some others going down into the springs who worriedly say "You're going back now? Be careful!" Great. But what else was I supposed to do? I had to get back. It gets darker and darker as I go down the mountain path but blessedly I run into two Slovakians with flashlights hiking back to the ranch as well. I call out to them and they cheerfully let me join their party. All hail Slovakia!

Also by the grace of God the full moon emerges from the clouds and by very bright moonlight I walk back to my car in the safe companionship of my new Slovakian pals all the while hoping that if a mountain lion attacks he doesn't pick me out as the easiest kill. I had a trusty walking stick and a good knife Susan gave me for Christmas. My walking stick was, however, abandoned at the river bed and I wondered if I would be able to produce the knife in time if a lion attacked. Also while walking back I began to call into question my own sanity and why I made such bizarre choices. Honestly I didn't think all of it was my fault - particularly the mean drunk naked people. All is well though, and the only casualty was my favorite beach towel.