Help outfit Michael, Sarah, and John

Saturday, February 08, 2014

God's Love Triumphs

I think of myself as a positive person who is usually cheerful, so it is hard when I find myself feeling down. And since this blog is about my life - both things good AND bad - I figure that I better write things out so I can remember them. And to maybe see if it helps me work through some feelings.

Many of my fellow trauma mamas (mamas of children - usually adopted - with trauma/difficult histories/behavior issues/etc) dread the holidays because their children tend to act out. My kids aren't that way - they LOVE the holidays and if they act out, it is is after the holidays are over. Iryna started regressing on January 1st, 2013. She has reverted back to old behaviors, like pulling out leg hairs on her legs, maniacal laughter, touching eyeglasses of others, & screaming. She has introduced some new behaviors like peeing in her bed, getting out of her room at night to play with toothpaste, and cutting holes in the drywall in the basement. That last action has happened three times now, usually with Silas accompanying her, and so both Silas and Iryna are not allowed in the basement at all. We are planning to move in June and are putting our house on the market - so cutting holes in the walls isn't helpful!

Not being able to get a break from Silas and Iryna is difficult. We have bought all kinds of fun toys for the basement. I don't keep them in the basement generally, but by the late afternoon - I am needing a break! And now, I don't really get that. Plus, Silas is on a trial run with Ritalin and he is incredibly whiny. The psychologist wants for us to give it 10 days. It has been a week and I don't know if I can finish up the 10 days. It. Is. Constant. Whining. I have thought about calling the psychologist and seeing if he wants to watch him for the last 3 days to figure out that Ritalin is not a match for Silas Pierce. I sometimes wonder if Ritalin works for anyone, because it hasn't for my three ADHD kids.

Combining Iryna's behaviors with Silas' whining and then add in the fact that I am starting to eat GF on Monday and you have one emotional, stressed-out, overwhelmed mama! Add in all the guilt that I usually put upon myself for not being perfect and having to say "no" when asked to do things for others and you would have a total mess. Tyler has been so understanding and kind. I have seen small tender mercies through others after I have prayed for help. I am grateful to know of God's love for me. I am grateful to know that this life is a test to prepare me for returning to live with God again. When things get tough, it's okay to cry and reach out to friends and family for support. I am not perfect and God knows that and He loves me anyhow. Sometimes it's hard to understand why He loves me, but He does. He loves my children that bring me to tears and frustration, too. And that gets me through the tough times and helps me try again the next day and the day after that.


Stephanie said...

I love reading your blog, I too have boys with special needs. My 6 year old is learning disabled and ADHD, with possible ODD. We started him on Adderall first and that made him very whiny and sad. He is now on Focalin. The whiny and sad have gone away but I'm not sure of how much it's helping his focus. I can keep you posted on that. I would love to exchange emails if you ever want to vent. My four year old is autistic with possible ODD. By the time 3 in the afternoon rolls around this mama needs a nap! Hang in there, you're not alone!

Fatcat said...

The first few days of your GF diet, you can console yourself with a Snickers or two. It helps.

I actually wrote a book a couple of years ago on how to do an easy gluten free trial, shopping at a regular store, not spending a fortune and cooking a full (easy) meal for the family each night.

Sarah said...

You are a wonderful mom. I am sorry things are so hard right now. You are always in my prayers. I love you.