Thursday, January 30, 2014

Loving Silas

I am a slow mover when it comes to deep love. It takes me time to form those strong feelings towards someone. I love Tyler now more than I ever did when were were engaged. I have been alive for 35 years now and I am still working on loving myself. When Anna was born, I didn't have that overwhelming love for her that I thought I should have. I thought something was wrong with me...especially when I compared my feelings to those of my friends (never a good idea, by the way...). In time, I found that I grew to love Anna as I served her and got to know her as a person. Newborns don't have much of a personality...but I digress. Then came adopting the twins. I had somewhat grown to know myself and realized that I wouldn't love them immediately - and because of my experience with Anna, I knew that I would grow to love Keith and Iryna in time. 

Loving Keith came easier than Iryna. Perhaps it was his complete dependency on me as his mama. Perhaps it was because Iryna was out of control and made very poor choices on a daily basis. I can now say that I love them both as my own, but it took time.

When we adopted Calvin and Silas, I didn't even feel bad about not loving them immediately. I knew it would happen. When we brought them home, Iryna was still my most difficult child. At that time, Calvin was more difficult than Silas. Both boys were adorable, but Silas was so little - only 2 1/2 years - and it had been so long since I had a little one, so I was drawn towards his cuteness. 

9 months after we had brought the Russian princes home, I had grown to love Calvin...but something had changed in Silas. He became out of control. He made poor choices. I noticed the physical markers of FASD - somehow I had missed them! - and I began to dread the major possibility of Silas having FAS and ADHD like his sister, Iryna. Those were hard times. After an MRI and evaluation confirmed my fears, there was a period of mourning. A LONG ONE. 

It has been a year since we learned about the FASD. Things have changed. I have changed. I wasn't aware how much I had changed until I read Karin's blogpost this morning. She speaks of a change of heart that she has had concerning motherhood. A couple of lines especially spoke to me:

“I’ve known women who have connected better with my little ones at times than I could. I’ve been blessed by women who have found joy in my children when I had none.” 

It made me reflect upon some people in the last year who have just LOVED Silas. They would comment on how sweet he is or how adorable he is. His primary teacher, Kelly C, found joy in Silas every Sunday. She loved him and I struggled with that because I was having such trouble loving him, myself. After reading Karin's blog, I realized that my feelings towards Silas has changed. I can say now, almost two years after adopting Silas, that I truly love him. I can see how cute he is now. I want to snuggle him. I seek him out to play with him. Of all of my 5 children, I spend the most time with him now. And I enjoy it. I think that qualifies as a change of heart, or perhaps - an increased capacity for my heart to love. 

1 comment:

Karin said...

Thanks, Jill, for sharing your journey and thoughts. I'm grateful that my words helped you to see something beautiful within yourself! You are amazing! Much love!