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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Love and attachment (according to Jill)

Calvin and I came home on Wednesday and he has been doing well in his recovery. He is on a few medications plus Motrin for pain. He is a strong little guy and learning what he can and cannot handle, but so far he can do just about anything except for lifting things. I think he likes being home during the day and I am enjoying our time together.

When we adopted the twins, I felt like I attached to Keith easier because he was much more needy and Iryna's behaviors were so difficult. When we adopted Calvin and Silas, I was more drawn to Silas because he was younger and very snuggly. Plus Calvin has some entitlement behaviors that drive me batty. It has taken me more time to attach to Calvin and I know that this heart surgery helped with that. He needed me. He relied on me. And the first time I was able to hold him - post surgery - he snuggled into me and it was such a heavenly moment.

I have learned that I need time to love someone. Tyler and I were not in love when we married. We prayed and knew that God wanted us to marry each other. We liked each other a lot and were told by answers to prayer that we would have a very happy life together. And now we are in love. And then, when Anna was born, I didn't love her immediately. I felt so guilty about it, too. Other moms were saying how much they loved their babies...and I certainly enjoyed having Anna. I thought she was incredibly cute. It was only after I had time with her, serving her, that I grew to love her. And now I love her so very much.

When we thought about adoption, I was worried. Would I love these children as I do Anna? Many of you might wonder the same answer would be that you cannot know how you will feel about something, or someone, before you know them. I think that I love Anna more because I have had her with me the longest. I have had the twins for 4 years and I love them dearly. I had to work at it with Iryna. Now we have the new boys. I am working to attach with both Silas and Calvin, and I think that it's getting better. Perhaps this is something that parents have to do with their natural children? I guess I won't ever know that for sure since it isn't how my family was made.

I try to look at loving my children the way that I love my friends. When I serve them and spend time with them - I love them. I know that as I serve and spend time with my children that my love will only increase for them. And as I spend time reading the scriptures, praying, and serving God's children on earth, my love for Him will only increase.


Courtney said...

I am the same way, Jill. It takes me a long time to open my heart and truly love someone.

Anonymous said...

Jill, like many of your blog posts this one was very brave. So many mothers are afraid to admit that sometimes it just takes time to love your kids fully. Not because they did anything wrong, not because mom did anything wrong, but because parenthood is a hard job and some things just don't "click" right away. Different kids are easier than others and I think that makes our attachment to those kids stronger sooner. Being stressed out all the time makes it hard to bond with anything! I'm glad that you and Calvin got the time you both needed.

It would be great to see wedding pictures of you! Maybe I missed them already on the blog somewhere? :)

Thanks again for such an honest, heartfelt post. I hope one day women will be able to talk openly about this and get the support they need without judgement.

Anonymous said...

Jill - I agree wtih anonymous above. Kudos to you. I have a newly adopted older child and it takes work. I love both my kids - but the newest is hard with all her issues. I love reading your blog for how real you are. Thanks.